My fingers hurt.
My legs, my eyes, my chest hurts. You get the picture; everything hurts. And when everything hurts it's hard to achieve simple things; to get out of bed in the morning and clean my teeth. Unable to catch my breath and quell the nausea dominating my stomach. Speaking to a man in the shop without tearing up and having the energy to eat more than toast is difficult. I struggle to fight the need to embrace a black shroud over my life. When one thing breaks, everything else seems so fragile and I yearn for the ability to press pause. I crave a small dark fuzzy space- where the world cannot touch me and I cannot reach anything. Understanding this is a temporary blip does however begin to alleviate the pain and the chasm of crap I'm swimming in.
Things change and perspective shifts. A break up is tough but so is life! Little things help:
Washing my hair- South Pacific really had something there.
Watching the Office- literally laughing though tears...
A quick run- fresh air and focussing on something other than sadness with added endorphins too.
Talking- fight the need to cut yourself off. On Saturday I felt lonely, Sunday angry and this week I feel so loved and cared for by a brilliant bunch of friends.
Finally, do something unexpected. Old habits die hard and my usual coping mechanisms are not the healthiest so I'm not going to drink excessively or try and make extreme or ridiculous changes to myself and life. Instead I booked a holiday! I relinquish control of things that are out of my hands and people that do not need to be fixed. A positive escape, not running away but taking a little time for myself in the sun. I sign this off as the plane is about to take off. The physical manifestations of heartache will begin to dissolve as my heart and mind meet again. Rising into the clouds with a sense of acceptance and the wonderment that everything will not hurt forever.
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