The Understudy

You've got an audition with a major theatre- hooray!

It's for an understudy role- Oh...

A mini rollercoaster of emotions ranging from the pathetic pleasure of just getting an audition, to mild annoyance verging on anger and finally fear. Almost 8 years since graduating from LAMDA, there are still plenty of times that auditions are thin on the ground and so of course I can't be picky. But of course I can actually, because this is my chosen career and I'm quite good it at when given the chance, so it's hard to subdue the disappointment when I get a casting but it's nowhere near the 'dream role' (even if I make it on stage) and potentially not even a script I'm interested in, but I suppose that's the nature of the beast.

I have always imagined being an understudy to be the hardest thing to do. Expectations are just as high but with minimal rehearsal time and therefore less ability to develop relationships with your fellow actors and even trust in yourself. I truly questioned if I was up to the job of being an understudy, surely these need to be the most dexterous, talented and confident in the pack and it can be hard to feel that when in effect you're second choice. Regardless, I went to the audition and it was surprisingly lovely & any anger I had was wholly unwarranted. I didn't get it (I'm presuming!) but it was a positive experience and also made me think about my general attitude at the moment; am I living my life as an understudy?

Sometimes it seems that I'm filling time. Each day is a necessary step to get to the next and inevitably something of substance has got to materialise at some point. I find myself waiting, waiting for love, waiting for a career, waiting for something more than I have and it is debilitating. I have removed myself from engaging in my own life and it's time to press play again.

This morning I got back on my bike and cycled through the rain to the Sonia Delaunay exhibition at the Tate. Overwhelmed by the beauty of this retrospective, much to the amusement of other visitors I found myself smiling manically as I walked through. Her life was art and art was life. Daily reality was interwoven and intrinsically bound with each piece and for the first time in a long time, I felt present. London can be the loneliest place to live, exposed to everything but connecting with nothing, however this morning I stopped pretending and just enjoyed a real moment. Subsequently, I sought out art, colour & inspiration visiting the Tate Britain & Southbank Centre with my good friend Rob and the world felt just a little more glorious! An epiphany of understanding that all of this contributes to my life as an artist and that if I wait forever, I will miss today and will have always been my own understudy.

I'm not entirely sure what this means but I promise to try and take centre stage, fully recognising that this may never be the stage I had aspired to. At risk of sounding utterly contrived and pretentious, life is for living and I better start now.

When Everything Hurts

My head hurts.

My fingers hurt.

My legs, my eyes, my chest hurts. You get the picture; everything hurts. And when everything hurts it's hard to achieve simple things; to get out of bed in the morning and clean my teeth. Unable to catch my breath and quell the nausea dominating my stomach. Speaking to a man in the shop without tearing up and having the energy to eat more than toast is difficult. I struggle to fight the need to embrace a black shroud over my life. When one thing breaks, everything else seems so fragile and I yearn for the ability to press pause. I crave a small dark fuzzy space- where the world cannot touch me and I cannot reach anything. Understanding this is a temporary blip does however begin to alleviate the pain and the chasm of crap I'm swimming in.

Things change and perspective shifts. A break up is tough but so is life! Little things help:

Washing my hair- South Pacific really had something there.

Watching the Office- literally laughing though tears...

A quick run- fresh air and focussing on something other than sadness with added endorphins too.

Talking- fight the need to cut yourself off. On Saturday I felt lonely, Sunday angry and this week I feel so loved and cared for by a brilliant bunch of friends.

 

Finally, do something unexpected. Old habits die hard and my usual coping mechanisms are not the healthiest so I'm not going to drink excessively or try and make extreme or ridiculous changes to myself and life. Instead I booked a holiday! I relinquish control of things that are out of my hands and people that do not need to be fixed. A positive escape, not running away but taking a little time for myself in the sun. I sign this off as the plane is about to take off. The physical manifestations of heartache will begin to dissolve as my heart and mind meet again. Rising into the clouds with a sense of acceptance and the wonderment that everything will not hurt forever.

 

When there's a WILPF, there's a way

Recently I have been wavering in my faith; my faith in my being an actor and my faith in the industry as a whole. It is my involvement with WILPF and a play called 'Breaking the Silence' that has refreshed my soul as an actor and my dynamism as a woman.







In February I was lucky enough to travel to New York with Breaking the Silence to perform 3 shows at The Soho Playhouse and 1 unique reading at the UN with WILPF. Starting drama school at 18 I believed theatre could change the world and despite years of frustration and disappointment, working at the UN began to reinstate my teenage belief. BTS was originally written for Human Rights Watch as a collection of stories about rape survivors, domestic abuse & human trafficking, to breathe life into words of silenced women, voicing unsung songs from worlds we have never encountered and dire situations we hope to never face and to do this in a room of researchers and policy makers was truly overwhelming.




This week I have again been working with The Women's International League of Peace and Freedom (WILPF) celebrating their 100 year anniversary. Hundreds of women and men, Nobel laureates and professors gathered in The Hague to ignite ideas, share stories and promote change. Performing excerpts from BTS, we shared the stage with a plethora of inspiring people. From fiery freedom poetry to an all encompassing belly dancing workshop; the space was vibrant and alive. Dr Kaouthar wowed the audience shaking her booty in a beautiful traditional, non sexualised way that I can only dream my future daughters would learn. A community of women and peace makers snaked their hips with undulating arms in protest of war.



The following day we performed the full play on the immense stage at The World Forum and selfishly felt that actor high! The intense joy of performance and using ones craft for a valid & tangible purpose. 








WILPF supports the empowerment of women and I feel empowered, leaving a conference saturated with new visions and inclusivity. Empowered not only as an actor but a woman with a voice to be heard; I don't know where I will be in the next year but I know that I will fight to be included. I echo the closing words of the play:















'We know that when women are active participants in civil society, when women are included in the peace process, when women are respected, where women are part of the dialogue- there is great stability and greater progress- faster.'



With thanks to Katrina Syran, Susan Craig and the cast and creatives of Breaking the Silence.



Keep up to date with WILPF



Watch BTS monologues live at the UN