It's for an understudy role- Oh...
A mini rollercoaster of emotions ranging from the pathetic pleasure of just getting an audition, to mild annoyance verging on anger and finally fear. Almost 8 years since graduating from LAMDA, there are still plenty of times that auditions are thin on the ground and so of course I can't be picky. But of course I can actually, because this is my chosen career and I'm quite good it at when given the chance, so it's hard to subdue the disappointment when I get a casting but it's nowhere near the 'dream role' (even if I make it on stage) and potentially not even a script I'm interested in, but I suppose that's the nature of the beast.
I have always imagined being an understudy to be the hardest thing to do. Expectations are just as high but with minimal rehearsal time and therefore less ability to develop relationships with your fellow actors and even trust in yourself. I truly questioned if I was up to the job of being an understudy, surely these need to be the most dexterous, talented and confident in the pack and it can be hard to feel that when in effect you're second choice. Regardless, I went to the audition and it was surprisingly lovely & any anger I had was wholly unwarranted. I didn't get it (I'm presuming!) but it was a positive experience and also made me think about my general attitude at the moment; am I living my life as an understudy?
Sometimes it seems that I'm filling time. Each day is a necessary step to get to the next and inevitably something of substance has got to materialise at some point. I find myself waiting, waiting for love, waiting for a career, waiting for something more than I have and it is debilitating. I have removed myself from engaging in my own life and it's time to press play again.
This morning I got back on my bike and cycled through the rain to the Sonia Delaunay exhibition at the Tate. Overwhelmed by the beauty of this retrospective, much to the amusement of other visitors I found myself smiling manically as I walked through. Her life was art and art was life. Daily reality was interwoven and intrinsically bound with each piece and for the first time in a long time, I felt present. London can be the loneliest place to live, exposed to everything but connecting with nothing, however this morning I stopped pretending and just enjoyed a real moment. Subsequently, I sought out art, colour & inspiration visiting the Tate Britain & Southbank Centre with my good friend Rob and the world felt just a little more glorious! An epiphany of understanding that all of this contributes to my life as an artist and that if I wait forever, I will miss today and will have always been my own understudy.
I'm not entirely sure what this means but I promise to try and take centre stage, fully recognising that this may never be the stage I had aspired to. At risk of sounding utterly contrived and pretentious, life is for living and I better start now.
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