White Noise

I've never really had a problem with sleeping, until I had mice.
I've never really had a problem with mice, until they started living in my house...

After discovering mice not only in hung out in my flat, but navigated their way to my bedroom too, I developed a fear of sleeping. Literally paralysed with an irrational fear (it's not like they could kill me), I often cried, refused to sleep alone and one night I found myself hiding in the bath screaming at a mouse who had got trapped in my bin!!!! I stayed up all night and in the morning had to facetime a friend to coach me through getting back in to my room for clean clothes and an escape plan!
Whilst the infestation was being dealt with, I genuinely became more and more mentally fragile. In my head I silently overreacted to every crumb left in the kitchen by my flatmates, and engaged in OCD tendencies to try and find some control in the situation. At night, heart beating with extreme anxiety I struggled to switch off and every sound was a potential danger. Like a child afraid of the dark and afraid of the unknown, the fear of mice grew exponentially into a fear of being alone. The last moment in the day, when action has abated and waiting for sleep; I found myself trapped in a fuzzy gap in the middle. My coping mechanism was white noise. Loud, in my ears, white noise.


White noise is a strange sound to get acquainted to and though it often woke me up, I began to meditate into the sound as a bizarre comfort blanket. Somehow this abrasive sound became my friend and held my hand in a dark loneliness. I write this in the past tense, because since going away with my mum (I suppose she was my protector then) and coming back to London, I have slept alone and with no sounds. I have however started waking up at first light, but this seems to be aiding my productivity! I'm reading more, running again and trying to turn off the tv (more displacement sounds). Now I listen to the trains chug past me and the crows caw, and though I am still afraid of mice, and still alone, I have created my own white noise. Softer and more generous than the exterior sounds, I welcome this pause from the myriad of thoughts & fears in my head, and hope that eventually I will be able to enjoy the silence in life.

To Be (Black) or Not To Be (Black)

I'm on the penultimate day of my holiday so I've missed the initial explosion that was Rachel Dolezal, but I would have had to be on the moon to avoid the full fall out. My reaction has been of incredulity and confusion, but there also seems to be a lot of anger out there. The concept of changing race is a bizarre one, but are we most shocked because 'why would anyone WANT to be black?'. As this story bulldozes the heartless prejudice against a young black girl at a pool party, and we are becoming increasingly aware of racial disparity, again who would WANT to be black? I have spent the last 9 days in Zambia and though on the whole I have had a joyous time, occasionally I have witnessed a shocking level of disrespect & disdain towards the indigenous people. What I can only describe as 'ancient Rhodesians' incredible rudeness and ignorance, made me question again who would WANT to be black?

Let's be honest the trend has always been to westernise and white'ise' from black. Michael Jackson (debatable), skin lightening creams (frighteningly     available in Africa AND Peckham) and the type of adverts I've watched today that show few or no dark black faces and certainly not at educated levels, recognise a white supremacy in our daily lives. 

I have known people of dual heritage in UK, to in effect disown the more foreign part of them and see themselves only as English. There are cases of children adopted into a family of another race who don't recognise any difference, even in skin colour. What about Mowgli?! I jest but there have been a number of stories about children living with and as wild animals in the last decade. The point is: We are what we know. Of course Dolezal's transformation was a manipulated one, but is it so crazy to believe that growing up with her 4 black siblings she developed an identity aligned with them. Watching (I presume) a generic discrimination towards her brothers and sisters both at home in the U.S. and world wide, her political and personal ideology perhaps grew into something that transcended race. Is that even possible? I don't know! 

I am half Ghanian and half English. Half black and half white. To some dark and others light skinned, and I suppose sometimes I navigate around the semantics of my race dependent on where I am or who I am with. In Zambia the guys selling curio love calling me 'Sister from another mother' and I embrace the African side of me!

Whatever her reasonings, Dolezal has proactively done more (this furore aside) campaigning for civil right and equality in her role at the NAACP than I have ever done, and for that Rachel I thank you. 

It may not be physically possible, but is it so bad to want to be black? That is the question.

The Understudy

You've got an audition with a major theatre- hooray!

It's for an understudy role- Oh...

A mini rollercoaster of emotions ranging from the pathetic pleasure of just getting an audition, to mild annoyance verging on anger and finally fear. Almost 8 years since graduating from LAMDA, there are still plenty of times that auditions are thin on the ground and so of course I can't be picky. But of course I can actually, because this is my chosen career and I'm quite good it at when given the chance, so it's hard to subdue the disappointment when I get a casting but it's nowhere near the 'dream role' (even if I make it on stage) and potentially not even a script I'm interested in, but I suppose that's the nature of the beast.

I have always imagined being an understudy to be the hardest thing to do. Expectations are just as high but with minimal rehearsal time and therefore less ability to develop relationships with your fellow actors and even trust in yourself. I truly questioned if I was up to the job of being an understudy, surely these need to be the most dexterous, talented and confident in the pack and it can be hard to feel that when in effect you're second choice. Regardless, I went to the audition and it was surprisingly lovely & any anger I had was wholly unwarranted. I didn't get it (I'm presuming!) but it was a positive experience and also made me think about my general attitude at the moment; am I living my life as an understudy?

Sometimes it seems that I'm filling time. Each day is a necessary step to get to the next and inevitably something of substance has got to materialise at some point. I find myself waiting, waiting for love, waiting for a career, waiting for something more than I have and it is debilitating. I have removed myself from engaging in my own life and it's time to press play again.

This morning I got back on my bike and cycled through the rain to the Sonia Delaunay exhibition at the Tate. Overwhelmed by the beauty of this retrospective, much to the amusement of other visitors I found myself smiling manically as I walked through. Her life was art and art was life. Daily reality was interwoven and intrinsically bound with each piece and for the first time in a long time, I felt present. London can be the loneliest place to live, exposed to everything but connecting with nothing, however this morning I stopped pretending and just enjoyed a real moment. Subsequently, I sought out art, colour & inspiration visiting the Tate Britain & Southbank Centre with my good friend Rob and the world felt just a little more glorious! An epiphany of understanding that all of this contributes to my life as an artist and that if I wait forever, I will miss today and will have always been my own understudy.

I'm not entirely sure what this means but I promise to try and take centre stage, fully recognising that this may never be the stage I had aspired to. At risk of sounding utterly contrived and pretentious, life is for living and I better start now.

When Everything Hurts

My head hurts.

My fingers hurt.

My legs, my eyes, my chest hurts. You get the picture; everything hurts. And when everything hurts it's hard to achieve simple things; to get out of bed in the morning and clean my teeth. Unable to catch my breath and quell the nausea dominating my stomach. Speaking to a man in the shop without tearing up and having the energy to eat more than toast is difficult. I struggle to fight the need to embrace a black shroud over my life. When one thing breaks, everything else seems so fragile and I yearn for the ability to press pause. I crave a small dark fuzzy space- where the world cannot touch me and I cannot reach anything. Understanding this is a temporary blip does however begin to alleviate the pain and the chasm of crap I'm swimming in.

Things change and perspective shifts. A break up is tough but so is life! Little things help:

Washing my hair- South Pacific really had something there.

Watching the Office- literally laughing though tears...

A quick run- fresh air and focussing on something other than sadness with added endorphins too.

Talking- fight the need to cut yourself off. On Saturday I felt lonely, Sunday angry and this week I feel so loved and cared for by a brilliant bunch of friends.

 

Finally, do something unexpected. Old habits die hard and my usual coping mechanisms are not the healthiest so I'm not going to drink excessively or try and make extreme or ridiculous changes to myself and life. Instead I booked a holiday! I relinquish control of things that are out of my hands and people that do not need to be fixed. A positive escape, not running away but taking a little time for myself in the sun. I sign this off as the plane is about to take off. The physical manifestations of heartache will begin to dissolve as my heart and mind meet again. Rising into the clouds with a sense of acceptance and the wonderment that everything will not hurt forever.

 

When there's a WILPF, there's a way

Recently I have been wavering in my faith; my faith in my being an actor and my faith in the industry as a whole. It is my involvement with WILPF and a play called 'Breaking the Silence' that has refreshed my soul as an actor and my dynamism as a woman.







In February I was lucky enough to travel to New York with Breaking the Silence to perform 3 shows at The Soho Playhouse and 1 unique reading at the UN with WILPF. Starting drama school at 18 I believed theatre could change the world and despite years of frustration and disappointment, working at the UN began to reinstate my teenage belief. BTS was originally written for Human Rights Watch as a collection of stories about rape survivors, domestic abuse & human trafficking, to breathe life into words of silenced women, voicing unsung songs from worlds we have never encountered and dire situations we hope to never face and to do this in a room of researchers and policy makers was truly overwhelming.




This week I have again been working with The Women's International League of Peace and Freedom (WILPF) celebrating their 100 year anniversary. Hundreds of women and men, Nobel laureates and professors gathered in The Hague to ignite ideas, share stories and promote change. Performing excerpts from BTS, we shared the stage with a plethora of inspiring people. From fiery freedom poetry to an all encompassing belly dancing workshop; the space was vibrant and alive. Dr Kaouthar wowed the audience shaking her booty in a beautiful traditional, non sexualised way that I can only dream my future daughters would learn. A community of women and peace makers snaked their hips with undulating arms in protest of war.



The following day we performed the full play on the immense stage at The World Forum and selfishly felt that actor high! The intense joy of performance and using ones craft for a valid & tangible purpose. 








WILPF supports the empowerment of women and I feel empowered, leaving a conference saturated with new visions and inclusivity. Empowered not only as an actor but a woman with a voice to be heard; I don't know where I will be in the next year but I know that I will fight to be included. I echo the closing words of the play:















'We know that when women are active participants in civil society, when women are included in the peace process, when women are respected, where women are part of the dialogue- there is great stability and greater progress- faster.'



With thanks to Katrina Syran, Susan Craig and the cast and creatives of Breaking the Silence.



Keep up to date with WILPF



Watch BTS monologues live at the UN

The Shine ™

Walking through a sunny London early this morning, trainers on my feet & music in my ears, I literally bounded through the streets and imagined I was in the opening titles of my film. 'The Life of Amelia Donkor so far' (title TBC) is a gentle perusal of a sometimes debaucherous, often excitable woman and her existence. I'm really quite happy right now and enjoying the plotlines thus far, however I'm not entirely sure who the author is because 29 years in I'm not exactly where I expected to be professionally. A decade after graduating from LAMDA I have had a fair to middling career, and though my passion has not waned, my frustration has grown!

Catching up with a couple of actor friends this week, one of them coined the term 'The Shine™' and it has stuck with me. Questioning why it was nigh on impossible to be seen for certain companies/jobs or finding yourself in 2nd place perpetually, she cleverly suggested it was because we didn't have 'The Shine™'. Now, 'The Shine™' cannot be bought, can't really be earnt, it is an intangible, magical light bestowed upon the chosen few. An actors desire, intellect and talent has no bearing on 'The Shine™', though please note that some with 'The Shine™' are bloody brilliant, it's just not correlational. In my bid to save us all from getting dirty, here are my top tips to getting 'The Shine™':

• Turn Back Time

This is not necessarily age related, but if you have the ability to rewind time and get that freshly graduated glow it will do you the world of good. The taste of the unknown and possibility of plucking a star from obscurity is an exciting prospect for the industry and may create the required shine; please note this method does have a warranty which normally runs 12-18 months after the time machine has landed.

• Sleep your way to The Shine™

Now this one is morally contentious and may not work in any way, but beggars can't be choosers! This is gender neutral but of course does require some research on sexual orientation, promiscuity etc of your chosen target.

• Reality Bites

If training and commitment won't cut the mustard, maybe a stint on reality television might? You may not make it to the upper echelons of getting dropped in a jungle or trapped in a house, but you're only one tragedy away from having that X Factor!


So there are my words of wisdom on how to get The Shine™. If I scrub long and hard enough I might find something someone else is looking for, but deep down I think I might be shiny enough. 

  

Christmas Presence, not Presents.

It's Christmas Eve and I'm curled up on my ma's sofa watching tele and eating excessive amounts of cheese. I'm lucky enough to have been off work for the last 4 days and have pretty much been focused on these tasks for the entirety of my visit. For me this is what the festive break is all about; mum & bro time, driving practice around the Spa, food and heating (that i haven't paid for!), childhood traditions with my oldest friends and lots of sleep. One thing I haven't been concerned with is presents. The hideous new terminology of 'Black Friday', 'Cyber Monday' and what I'm sure today will be 'Crazy Christmas Eve' have no place in my vocabulary or Christmas timeline.

On Sunday, I had the most wonderful day with all of my extended family and though I had a pang of guilt when presents started to be exchanged and I was empty handed, on the whole I was glad to have not wasted time and money on gifts that had no use to my family but purely acted as a marker to the accepted norm. This is our first Christmas without my beloved Grandma and a get together with everyone, including the newest addition of 2 week old Bethany, is the brightest star on my festive horizon and worth far more than any gift.

So many aspects of our modern life are governed by what we spend and how good it looks, but as we meander through this post recession world, shouldn't we face the question of the economy of gift giving whilst the spirit of Christmas/austerity is in the air. I have always had a sense of savvy and nothing gives me greater pleasure than getting a good deal. Discounts, sample sales and cashback are my raison d'etre. You could say I'm the female equivalent of Martin Lewis (Martins money saving tips) but with less knowledge, skill or research...

I genuinely love to give gifts and shopping for them too, but when my bank balance is debilitated, the shops are horrific and time is restricted, is it so bad to give something that someone else has given me? Not necessarily because I don't like the present, it may be that I love it and just have multiples or think another friend may enjoy it more. Does that detract from the quality of the gift or my desire to give? These thoughts have resulted in my gifting mantra: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle (Re-gift). It's not a new idea and though potentially controversial, could this revolutionise present buying forever more?!

Reduce

Very few people are getting presents from me this year. A lot of the time we give just because we think we should and ultimately I'd rather spend the money on an experience with my friends than unnecessary presents for them.

Reuse 

I get given awesome stuff at work, so under the tree you will find parcels that weren't even wrapped by me, let alone paid for! They are still awesome.

Recycle

I am not only unafraid to recycle old presents, but also ideas...  I believe my mum and I may have bought identical gifts for one another. 

Tomorrow will be an intimate little Christmas with my mum and bro, and I can't wait. I genuinely don't need anything, and when my brother asked me what I wanted I requested socks (you can never have enough). I have a feeling we will have a highly caffeinated house very shortly (let's wait and see) but more than anything I  just want time at home with my nearest and dearest. I haven't even bothered with Christmas cards this year, I will see my oldest friends in Leamington, call my loved ones and with the wonders of modern technology even Facetime others further afield. I hope I don't come across as a Scrooge in this; I desire all of the magic, all of the sparkle, peace on earth and all that jazz, just without the desperate dash down the high street. And any Christmas presents you receive that don't fulfil your Christmas wishes, it's less than 2 months until my birthday... Time to get into the re-gifting spirit.

Happy Holidays xxx