The Never Ending Family

As a child 'The Never Ending Story' was the most frightening film I had ever seen! I understood it was not in the horror genre, but all of that floaty intangible weirdness, strange beings and the fact that it JUST NEVER ENDED was far too much for me! For a while now it has felt like my life has created a strange echo to this film: The Never Ending Family...

For as long as I can remember, it's been me, my mum and my bro. Close knit but with a strange 'Don't ask, don't tell' attitude towards our personal lives. My dad had always been at the edge of the frame, close enough to love but too far away to trust. There is a long and meandering story detailing mine and my dad's relationship, but ultimately he's been a persistently wayward figure who I've kept trying to remember is a human being as well as a dad. Obviously we all have faults, so in 2007 after a few years in absentia, my dad returned and we became mates again! We developed a new version of father/daughter life and everything was ok. My close family jumped back up to 4!

3 years ago, my father revealed the existence of 2 teenage brothers living in London. I didn't really know how to deal with this so just stopped speaking to dad and pretended that this major life explosion had not happened.

Last week I received a message from my older sister! Oh shit! I've just discovered my third secret sibling in as many years...

And now I feel scared of what other bloodties will drip through the gaps and stain my life. Staring at a man in the street I wonder if he could be my relation & though I feel guilty about it, I have no more love to give (is that a song?!). I question every positive memory I have with my father and consider the fact that he has lied to em every die of my life. Wow, this is getting dark...

I hope that writing this will be some type of cathartic purge and make me feel better. I worry it may not! I'm sharing this quaint little tale to try not to be ashamed and also to recognise that there is no normality when it comes to family dynamic and no perfection, so here's me throwing my hat into the ring. I am (somewhat) ready for what life has to bring.